The Camino Never Really Ends | Monday Invocation
“As you walk 30+ days, you have time and the mental space to let go of old patterns that no longer serve you and discover new ways of seeing yourself and the world.”
In honor of LGBTQ+ History Month, we're spending October exploring a spiritual practice that so many of our LGBTQ+ siblings of faith engaged with for centuries: pilgrimage. Last week, we started sharing stories from LGBTQ+ Christians who have encountered God through pilgrimage in all kinds of ways. Although we cannot share stories highlighting every kind of pilgrimage, identity, or experience in just a few short weeks, we are excited to share these stories with you today and hope to share more in future as we hear more and more of your stories of pilgrimage. Today, QCF Community Member Jeff reflects on his pilgrimage walking on the Camino de Santiago in 2022, as he wrestled through deconstruction of his faith and what that meant for him and his coming out journey.
QCF community member, Jeff, walking through one of the Camino de Santiago trails
Within the first few days of my month-long trek across Spain I met a few guys who would be my companions for the next month – an American, a German and an Irishman, each wrestling with his own relational, professional and spiritual challenges. And me? I was in the middle of deconstructing the evangelical Christian faith that had kept me committed to a life of singleness and celibacy – the only life I believed a man with same-sex attraction could live that honored what I believed to be God’s desire for hetero-romantic relationships. This was a big reason I was on the Camino de Santiago, a roughly 500-mile pilgrimage across Spain that people have been walking for over 1,200 years. My understanding of God had been expanding, and along with that was a new way of understanding who I am in relation to God. This was a time to walk and ponder and pray.
My new friends and I mostly walked solo, but occasionally I would catch up to one of them at a rest stop and then we walked and talked for a while. It was those times, just one-to-one, that seemed to invite more vulnerability. The guys opened up about unexpected hurdles in marriage, career, life. I listened and occasionally offered my thoughts. And I shared too…a little.
For so much of my life I had wrestled and continued to find my faith and sexuality incompatible. I could be faithful to God, but had to keep my same-sex attraction packed away on a shelf in my heart and mind. I thought this was the ultimate way to live out what the apostle Paul refers to as offering my body as a “living sacrifice.” This was what was “holy and pleasing to God”...right? (Romans 12:1, NRVSUE)
Not acting on my attraction ultimately meant not talking about my sexuality or my confusion about why God would create me with an orientation that I shouldn’t live out. And years of not talking about it became a habit. So that even as my beliefs were shifting, I still found it difficult to identify as gay – there was just so much noise in my head associated with that word and that identity that I didn’t actually identify with. And that made me unsure about how to identify myself.
And even on the Camino – on the other side of the world, far from home, where I didn’t know anyone and no one knew me – where many found space for personal exploration and expression, I realized I still didn’t know how to talk about myself. I kept rehearsing how I would begin. And having spent a little time with those guys, I knew none of them would flinch at my confession. But self-silencing had become a well-established way of being, and the longer I waited the more difficult it felt to open up. And so I didn’t. I walked with these guys for weeks not talking about what was really on my mind. I wondered, “If not now…when?” Still, beginning to come out – I eventually figured out that’s what I was trying to do – wasn’t easy, even if all the circumstances seemed to be on my side.
I made it to the end of the Camino and felt a kind of exhausted satisfaction from having completed the pilgrimage. But I also felt a little frustrated with myself for not taking a leap. In my reflection on the experience I became determined not to wait so long to talk about what was really going on with me.
When I returned home I opened up to friends I had known for years who never knew about my struggle. I sought churches and communities that had space for all of me and found encouragement and support coming from pulpits and congregations.
I began new friendships completely open right from the beginning, talking about my struggle with identity…because I realized I didn’t need to have everything figured out before talking about it. And I could finally say that I’m open to the possibility of a relationship with a man.
Looking back, I realize all of this was part of my pilgrimage too. Some say once you begin thinking about the Camino, you’re already on the Camino. And once you begin the Camino it changes you. As you walk 30+ days, you have time and the mental space to let go of old patterns that no longer serve you and discover new ways of seeing yourself and the world. And now I know that it stays with you…the Camino never really ends.
Q Christian Fellowship aims to prophetically model a world where all LGBTQ+ people are fully loved by family, church, and community, and Christians worldwide live up to their calling to be instruments of grace and defenders of the outcasts. The generosity of those who believe in this work is crucial to that vision. If you'd like to help us to continue to create resources and spaces where faith and identity are held together, we invite you to make a donation at the link below!
