4 Things to Remember When a Friend or Family Member Comes Out to You
Each of QCF’s Affirmation & Relational Guides features practical steps and information that can be used for individual growth, the pursuit of relational justice, and sustainable community-building.
We’re highlighting a chapter from our Relational Guide for Allies featuring Amy Hayes. This resource provides actionable steps aspiring allies can take in support of their LGBTQ+ neighbors. Excerpted from the section entitled What Do I Do When a Friend or Family Member Comes Out to Me, we want to equip you for those conversations you are likely to have with individuals close to you. If you are LGBTQ+, you might even find this helpful to share with loved ones.
Don’t forget: It’s never too late to learn!
My sister Rosemary never officially came out to me. By the time she flung a cursory “You know I’m gay, right?” in my general direction, context clues—notably her relationship with Ginger—had alerted me to the situation. Not that I blame her. At the time, I was not a safe person for her, as many bungled conversations in the following years would later confirm. So, in retrospect, I understand her reluctance to share.
And that brings me to an important point: No one owes you any sort of self-disclosure, least of all about their gender identity or sexual orientation. Suspicions on your part do not necessitate confessions on their part. When and if your LGBTQ+ loved one does come out to you, remember these key points:
“No one owes you any sort of self-disclosure, least of all about their gender identity or sexual orientation.”
It is not about you.
Keep the focus on the person with affirming statements (“Thank you for sharing your identity/experience” or “I am grateful to know you more fully.”) and reflective listening (“Would it be accurate to say you are feeling relieved/nervous/happy/worried/fulfilled?”).
Be mindful of your body language.
If it’s safe (e.g., you’re not driving, cooking, etc.), stop what you’re doing and physically draw near to the person. Keep arms uncrossed, maintain gentle eye contact, and nod as appropriate.
Reassure them; don’t defend yourself.
Your loved one may imply that they were worried about coming out to you, afraid of how you’d react. Or you may wonder why they didn’t tell you sooner. In any case, resist the urge to turn the conversation into a courtroom cross-examination defending your trustworthiness. It’s not about that. Instead, if the LGBTQ+ person expresses anxiety, use reflective listening to make them feel heard in their distress—“It must be nerve wracking to tell someone you’ve known for so long”—and reassure them with commitment to love in action—“I’m here to listen and support you. I am on your side.”
Love needs no modifiers.
“I love you” is a complete sentence. Though your heart is undoubtedly in the right place, inserting words like “still” or “anyway” into your proclamation of adoration subtly disregards what your beloved just disclosed. And it implies that their sexual orientation or gender identity is a barrier your love had to overcome.
Think of this way: Would you rather hear that God still loves you or that God loves you? The former instills insecurity, the latter stability.
Next Steps
For more on allyship and how you can support your LGBTQ+ siblings, download our free Relational Guide for Allies featuring Amy Hayes.
If you’re the parent or family member of an LGBTQ+ person who has recently come out, we have community and resources available for you! Visit the link below to learn more and get plugged in.
